Navigating The 'Are They Staying Or Going' Conundrum

When you live a nomadic lifestyle, you embrace uncertainty. You get used to the ebb and flow of new places and people. The world is your oyster, and you're constantly exploring what it has to offer. But what happens when you meet someone who makes you want to drop anchor, at least for a while? What happens when you develop feelings for them, and you see a potential future, but you don't know if they're staying or going?

It's a common dilemma for digital nomads and global travelers. You meet someone amazing, but their visa is expiring, their work contract is ending, or their travel plans are taking them to a new continent. It can feel like your heart is in a constant state of flux. While it's important to keep your heart open and not shy away from uncertainty, there are ways to navigate this emotional minefield without losing yourself to fear or scarcity.

1. Let Go of the Need for Control

One of the most powerful things you can do is to release the need to control the situation. Think about it: you're a traveler. You've made decisions about your life and your travels without feeling guilty or needing to be told what to do. You've been on the other side of this situation, so why would you expect someone else to behave differently?

Unless you are in an established, committed relationship, people are free to make their own choices. They will show you who they are through their actions, and you need to trust what you see. One of the biggest anxieties in nomadic relationships is the fear of being left behind. If you are the one in the position of leaving, you can alleviate this fear by providing reassurance through clear, consistent communication. Reassurance isn't just saying "I'm in this" - it's showing it.

I once had a new partner in Thailand tell me the day before we were supposed to take a trip together that they were flying home for Christmas instead. It was a huge shock, and it was heartbreaking at the time. But in hindsight, their lack of communication and emotional awareness was a reflection of them, not me.

Someone who is meant for you and wants to be a great partner will communicate fully and give you reassurance about what comes next. A person who is not a good partner for you simply won't. This isn't a reflection of your worth; it's a reflection of their character. Trust the red flags and believe what people show you.

2. Ground Yourself in Mindfulness

When faced with a relationship that has an uncertain future, it's easy to fall into an anxious spiral. This is a perfect time to double down on your mindfulness routine. If you're not already practicing, start. If you are, dedicate more time to it.

When anxiety creeps in, it's a signal to focus on what you can control: your own well-being. This is an opportunity to lean into practices that are healthy for your body and mind. Try deep breathing exercises, meditation, or a solid workout routine. These activities can help distract your mind from overthinking and bring you back to the present moment.

This is also a great time to examine your attachment style. If the uncertainty is making you anxious, you likely have an anxious attachment style. If you feel calm and open to seeing what happens, you probably have a secure attachment style. And if you're thinking, "I'm not going to waste my time or energy on this," you might have an avoidant attachment style. Recognizing your patterns is the first step toward managing your emotional responses.

3. Lean on Your Community

One of the most important things you can do as a nomad is to build a strong community. While friends in a transient lifestyle also come and go, having a core group of people can provide a sense of continuity and support. Your friends can offer a reality check if you're overthinking a situation or making assumptions. They can also be a vital support system if the person you've been seeing does decide to leave. Having a solid group of friends who have your back can make a huge difference in how you process loss and move forward. Remember, a great support system ensures that even if one door closes, you have people to help you find the next one. And, I don’t mean only in person. Thank goodness we have smartphones that keep long-distance friendships alive!

4. Don't Force It, But Do Ask

If the person you're seeing tells you they're leaving, there's a fine line between forcing yourself into their plans and having an open conversation. You should not assume you're invited or try to convince them to take you along. However, it's perfectly okay to ask questions and express your interest.

A simple, open-hearted conversation can clear up a lot of anxiety. You can ask things like, "What made you decide to go?" or "Do you see a future for us?" These questions help you understand where they are coming from. And, if you feel the relationship has potential, it's okay to ask, "Is there room for me?" or "Is this a trip you're taking on your own?"

I learned this firsthand. I started a relationship while living in Cambodia, and after a few months (and countries), I got a job offer in a new country. I asked him if he wanted to come with me, and he said yes, but then he had a moment of panic. This was a massive red flag. He struggled to find work for months after we arrived, and his mental health issues eventually put a severe strain on our relationship. The lesson here is that if someone deserves to be a part of your next adventure, they'll show you. And, vice versa. Your job is to listen to their response and trust your gut.

You can't offer reassurance by sacrificing your own freedom. The balance lies in making your partner feel like they are a part of your journey, not an obstacle to it. You give people reassurance when you invite them into your life rather than forcing them into a mold. When I asked a past partner to move to a new country with me, I was offering a profound level of reassurance. I was showing them that I saw a future for the relationship and was willing to make a major life change to accommodate it. In this case, my reassurance was tested by his reaction, which then provided me with the information I needed about his insecurities.

5. Weighing the Test of Long Distance

It's inevitable that you'll encounter these situations. In the nomadic world, you will meet people you connect with who are on a different path. The key is to recognize the timing and level of compatibility. With one past partner, we started dating while he was traveling, and I was working on-site in Thailand. At the time, I had just been hired for a remote job and was in the process of training my replacement for my on-site role. The distance was a real test of our commitment. We had to trust each other completely, communicate constantly, and be incredibly intentional about our physical and virtual time together. We had to navigate visa issues and the temptation of new people and places. Once I was almost done with my remote work training, he came back to Thailand and we started traveling together. 

This raises a major question: Is it worth it?

Only you can answer that. It requires a deep level of self-reflection and clear communication. You have to ask yourself: Do our goals align? Is this person adding to my life or creating more stress? Am I willing to put in the immense effort required to make this work? It’s important to understand that you can form a strong relationship while both partners pursue their own paths. The challenge is recognizing when it's a test of love and when it's simply a sign that your paths are not meant to converge.

6: Trust Yourself and the Process

This might be the most crucial tip of all: trust yourself. Trust your instincts, trust the process, and trust the red flags that pop up. The more you align yourself with your feelings, instead of ignoring them or pushing them down, the stronger you become. You are allowed to feel things, process emotions, and show your vulnerability.

If you have questions for your partner, ask them. Don't assume the worst. A simple, calm conversation can clear up a lot of anxiety. You can ask things like, "What made you decide this?" or "Do you see a future for us?" These questions help you understand where they are coming from without making them feel interrogated.

It's also okay to express your desires, but be open to their response. Sometimes people don't know how to ask for what they want or need. It's okay to put yourself out there by asking, "Is there room for me?" Just make sure you do it with an open heart and without expectation. Your decision to ask shows that you are a full participant in the relationship, not just a suitcase to be dragged along.

The nomadic life offers freedom and endless possibilities, but it also brings a unique set of emotional challenges. By learning to release the need for control, grounding yourself through mindfulness, leaning on your community, and having honest conversations, you can navigate the complexities of love on the road.

Remember, the greatest adventure you're on is the one with yourself. Embrace the uncertainty, cherish every connection, and trust that you have everything you need to find joy, belonging, and love wherever you go.

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